Here Goes Nothing...

In writing stories, I'm what some would call an "outliner", or a "planner", or an "architect": someone who plans out every scene and every detail of the world before a word of prose is written. Or at least, I used to be. After years of stalling on all writing projects because I'd get stuck perpetually outlining, I asked the question: what if I try something new? I said to myself: "I just need to stop worrying so much about wanting it to be perfect and just do it".

And I did...sort of.

I did just start going for it; I wrote a simple outline and starting off on my first draft. But I never quite got the "stop worrying" part of things. I worried like crazy. It drove me nuts to read back what I had written each day. It was pretty bad. But I didn't let myself stop to try and fix it, because I knew that if I did, I'd get stuck in a never-ending loop of starting then thinking "I can do that better" and starting over. It was hard work for sure.

But in 2020, for the first time since my short hand-illustrated stories from third grade, I finished a full draft of a book. And it was exhilarating! I knew that it was a pretty garbage draft, but I didn't care. I had finished a draft!

That excitement was greatly dampened when I went back to do the second draft. As I read back the first draft, I was very disappointed. Sure, the ideas were good and the outline was good, but the prose and pacing was severely lacking. I did a couple more drafts, each one a little better than the last, but still found my writing so far from what I wanted it to be. And that's when I realized that I simply was not practiced enough.

For so much of my life I've been an outliner: I've spent so much time planning and revising and wanting things to be perfect before I let them out into the world that I haven't been able to do much at all, much less get better at anything. I wanted to have an entire really good portfolio before even beginning to post/share it; I wanted to be very good at creating professional-grade videos before I even start posting a single one on YouTube; I wanted to have perfect branding all figured out before even really getting my business of the ground, I wanted to be able to be really good at being social and talking to strangers before I even tried talking to anyone -- not out of a sense of pride, but because of fear. I felt like I couldn't start anything until the plan was perfect, because what if I got it wrong?

You can have this perfect story idea, or an idea for a piece of art, or a vision of a thing you want to have done in your head all you want. But the reality that I so often hate to face is that if you want to have done something, you have to actually do that thing.

It's true that if you haven't practiced, if it's your first go at something, it'll be sloppy and not very good (unless you're one of those people who seem to exist solely to make everyone jealous of how easily you pick up skills). Heck, your second try probably won't be very good. And you know what? That's okay. That's the whole point: as you practice, you'll get better. It's often agonizingly slow, and it's often hard to see progress while you're in the thick of it. But trust me: you're progressing. Even if you're technical skills aren't improving much, the fact that you choose to keep going and trying means that you as a person are improving.

It's like that writing advice: in each scene you should have some kind of progress. Sometimes that progress is a character's personal growth. Sometimes it's actual events happening. Sometimes it's the characters moving closer to a destination. Sometimes it's multiple types of progression.

I think that's good advice for life: in every scene of your life, there should be progression of some kind, whether it be in a skill, toward a goal, toward a physical destination, in a relationship, or in personal growth.

I know my thoughts in this post are pretty messy and not very cohesive. Perhaps that's kind of the point. I've wanted to have some kind of blog to be able to post thoughts and updates and things like that (in part to keep me motivated), but I've never done it because I want to already have a really well-designed blog, with all the colors, and vibes and structure, and scheduling picked out beforehand, and maybe even multiple posts ready to go, before even publishing it.

I've been pondering on my approach to life the past few months; my instincts as an outliner have always held me back from just trying. I've always wanted everything figured out before I even start trying to do it.

Not anymore.

I still want all those things and the very thought of making the decision to act in spite of fear and trust that I can improve as I go is terrifying to me. But I want to do better. I want to progress.

It's time for me to try something new.

With sincerity and a love of cheesy endings,

-Gavin Gifford-

P.S. If you're in Utah (near the Springville area) tomorrow and/or Saturday (Spetember 19th from 5 PM to 9 PM or the 20th from 10 AM to 5 PM) come to the Art Fest in Springiville and stop by my booth. I'd love to say "hi!" :)